2319: Alright Uriah, time to Wind-down, Reflect on the day, Acknowledge the good things, and Praise yourself for it…. Ugghh… I feel gross saying I’m going to praise myself. Especially because this is live and public. Oh well, fuck the fear. WRAP: Today I woke up early (again) and made love to Melissa in one of my favorite positions. Gosh I love morning sex. I practiced getting something I wanted and trusting when she has previously told me that it’s ok even though it is not her favorite position. I took out the toilet bag full of our human feces. I challenged myself to carry the heavy bag in one hand without switching for the entire long walk to the dumpster. I got a nice forearm and shoulder workout because I succeeded at that challenge. I walked a couple laps with the dogs. I got Melissa up so we could eat breakfast and get the bus ready to drive to refill our fresh water. I ate a mostly healthy breakfast of yogurt, fruit, eggs, and bacon. I helped get the bus ready for driving. I found one of my favorite candies while we were at the gas station. I bought a long stem tire gauge and inflator attachment, then used them to check all the tires on the bus and fill the one tire that was lower than the others. I showered. I brushed my teeth. I allowed myself to acknowledge and appreciate the two beautiful women in the gas station without beating myself up over it. I hung towels to dry before putting them in the dirty laundry hamper. I helped Melissa back the bus up on to our leveling blocks. I did a 50 count breathing meditation after eating apple slices with sugar free peanut butter. I came in to use the bathroom after meditating and I stayed to sit in on Melissa explaining the Road Schooling Curriculum to Serenity. I did yoga. I did American Sign Language class with Serenity and Melissa. I openly and respectfully communicated with Melissa that I was feeling very overwhelmed and stuck. I made good progress on the website tonight. I started brainstorming for the BYOP page. I started research on how to structure an online course so I could start putting together the framework for the BYOP page. I added additional blank pages to the website. I made a pretty thorough and extensive list of most of the things that have helped me and contributed to my journey of healing. I cuddled with Melissa on the couch in the trailer for a few minutes. I brushed my teeth again before getting in to bed. And now I am doing my WRAP exercise. I really love doing this exercise. It helps me see that even when I am feeling overwhelmed and lost I am consistently putting forth the effort that drives the progress I am seeing in my healing and the personal development and growth I am seeing in my life. Thanks for showing up for yourself Uriah. You’re pretty fucking great man. Keep up the good work.

2249: As the title mentions, I am feeling overwhelmed. I am fearful because I don’t know what a healthy balance between discretion and transparency is for me. It’s bringing anxiety towards working on this website which leads to avoidance. I’ve been very distracted. The overwhelm isn’t only because of the above mentioned anxiety. We are preparing to leave the place we have been camped at for two months now. I am not good at dividing my days, breaking focus and switching focus to other things, then coming back. I’m nervous what breaking camp is going to do to my practically non-existent “work-flow”. Truth is, I am not too interested or excited in traveling during this chapter of my life. It’s still something I love and crave. I still love exploring. But I am also learning that I can love relaxing, slowing down, going through seasons of intense focus to get shit done. That’s where I am now. When the anxiety hits for whatever reason, and the fear grows, it seems it consistently takes me a few days to recalibrate and come back to doing the things I want to be doing. To me this feels like a few days too many. I’m so good at getting distracted. Being on the road brings so many more distractions. And traveling is always more time consuming than we hope or plan for. I am mentally distracted and overwhelmed with the preparations needed before we can hit the road. I have a trailer full of shit that needs to be packed in and secured in place. I am working on a deal to try and trade the minivan for a 4x4 full size van (a lot of anxiety comes with this one for sure). Things need to be picked up and packed up from outside the bus. The minivan is trashed with parts for projects. The bicycle rack project needs to be finished…… and I feel like I’m shutting down without even wanting to. My brain and body are becoming quite avoidant. I am feeling lost right now. Feeling like I’m just floating through life and I can’t make my own decisions about anything. I am struggling to remember all the things I’ve been working on for weeks. All it takes is one small distraction, one small break in my focus. I’m not good at shifting gears then coming back to complete what I was working on. I’m great at shifting gears. It’s the coming back to things that I struggle with the most. I feel like I partially fell off the wagon of self care when I turned my focus to building the framework and functionality of this website. Then the girls got back from their trip to Michigan and I lost focus on the website while struggling to barely maintain the basics of self care. So much has been happening. So much struggle. So much discomfort. So much growth. So many things not yet journaled about because I’ve been too mentally distracted. I’m hoping that I can revisit these things in journals to come before losing all the important details to my poor memory. Refocus. That’s what I have been trying to do for days now. I feel like it finally kicked in today, but only later in the evening. I forced myself to sit down and go through some website videos. I determined I don’t think I want or need any of the additional features that guy made so many videos about. That opened up my mind to think about working on different pages within this website, primarily the Build Your Own Program (BYOP) page. I’m not sure I like that wording, “Build Your Own Program”. Maybe I will change it to something like “Follow Your Own Pathway”. FYOP could still work. More overwhelm and indecisiveness getting hung up on word play like this. Well, I’m kinda tired, but I want to do my WRAP practice this evening so I’m gonna end this post here and move on to making a WRAP post.

I changed the permissions for who can add to the database. Let’s see if this works

If this works without logging in I need to watch the videos and make it so only registered and logged in users (user. Me. Only me.) can submit posts

I want to see how this shows up on the home page. I'm hoping it shows up in proper time order.

title is pretty self explanatory

So I think I've got the registration and login code working right. This is an exciting step. It's only taken me way longer than I'm comfortable with.

1607: Melissa showed me a pretty cool color pallet generator website a few weeks/months ago. I don't really remember when it was. Anyways, I asked her about it today. "C-O-O-L-O-R dot C-O" she spelled it out for me since I am on my laptop instead of one of my apple devices. If I was on my tablet she would've just sent me a link in my messages. I decided I wanted the base colors to honor you, Rilynn Violet and Nico Forrest, my children. So I spent some time researching what RGB values gave me the colors violet and forest green. Then I played around with each color finding a variable of each that I liked and would hopefully blend well together. Then, in honor of myself, I chose other colors I liked personally (which was actually quite hard because I don't think I have a true favorite color.) I was recently reminded how much I like the color cyan so I started with that, but its such a bright, nearly luminescent color it is quite hard to see on a digital backlit screen. So I switched it to an emerald which I feel is really pretty, though still a little hard to see on a screen. Melissa tells me that the emerald just doesn't blend or compliment well with the other colors I chose, but I like it, and I'm doing this for me and for my kids. So I'm gonna try it out. I can always switch it up or drop that color all together if I decide it just doesn't work with the website. I love that this is my choice and I have given myself the power to choose these things for myself. Anyways.... I should get back to work. 1614.

wondering why shit doesn't work consistently

check out how pretty my post page is!